Understanding the Rules for Change

There have been a lot of comments from varying factions about the lack of indictments in cases of African American killed by police. However, our complaining about it is not the answer. We can submit all the Facebook posts that we want, but that does not solve the problem. Part of the greater issue is that we keep preaching to the choir. Our messages are only being heard by those sympathetic to our frustrations. Those who are not responsive to the message of ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬, justice for Black America, or even fairness and equality for all people can simply delete our posts and move on. If we truly want our voices to be heard, then we must participate in the legislative process by voting.   

The reality is that none of us are going to give up all that we have and move to Africa (and a part of this reality is that the Motherland has its own set(s) of problems that we are not equipped to deal with). What we need to do is take the same steps that our parents' generation did and petition Congress to enact legislation that forces change. This will not end bigotry and racism, but it also doesn't help for us to also promote reverse racism as a solution. As African Americans, we only make up 13% of this population, and even if we were able to convince every one of the 41 million Blacks in this country to revolt, it would be like California (which has 39 million people) attempting to fight the rest of the entire United States. Legislation is the key to change. , we all need to participate in the legislative process.

Why guys are intimidated by a womans' ex-boyfrind?

Few guys would ever admit to being intimidated by another man. A man likes to think of himself as a "real man", a "man's man", a "Viking" who is master of his domain. Men are conditioned to be strong, fearless providers and protectors. They are wild bucks, kings of the jungle, and conquering Caesars who back down to no one, until finding themselves in the presence of the dreaded ex-boyfriend.

Why are men so intimidated by ex-boyfriends? Why is it that the testosterone kicks in with just the mention of a name? One reason is because a guy realizes that there will always be someone else who was special to his woman. He may be a girl's first "real love", but he could never be her first love. Regardless of how secure he may be in his relationship, he always knows that the "ex" had her heart before him. Most men want to see themselves as the only man to truly rock a woman's world.

Men are uncomfortable with the thought that the chastity of their love has already been violated. They may push the thought aside, or accept it as a reality of life, but they would rather not ever be faced with it. A man may be confidently self assured of his place in a woman's life in front of men with whom she has no interest, but just the thought of her being with a flame from her past can make him doubt his relationship.

There will also be the question of what feelings remain between a woman and her "ex". And some women can cast further doubt with statements like, "I still care for him, but I am no longer in love with him", or "He's in my past, I'm with you now". Though reassuring and momentarily comforting, those comments do not erase all of a man's doubts. As much as he may try to convince himself, there is always the thought that she may still care for her former boyfriend more than she admits.

There are other reasons why a man may feel threatened by a woman's past. Men can be territorial, egotistical, and internally emotional. If a woman frequently references a previous boyfriend, or maintains some level of close friendship with him, then a man may feel that his territorial rights have been violated, and his ego turns that into a "respect" issue. He may express his feelings through rational dialogue, but deep inside, he is emotionally crushed.

Some women use their relationship with their "ex" as an item of negotiation. They dangle their association as if she could always go back. For some it's a game, but for others, it becomes a serious threat when things are not going their way in the relationship. It is a form of manipulation that may keep a man forever wary. Men often want to create fond memories in a relationship, but they never want to compete with them.

Why people try to change the person they love

Everyone has their own idea of the perfect mate. Physical appearance and personality traits define the initial attraction, but most people enter relationships with partners who fall short of being ideal. Communication and compromise helps overcome differences during the early stages of romance, but at some point, one person in the relationship will expect to see long term change in the person they grow to love.

Few couples fall in love and find that they are the perfect match. Most learn to accept each other as the persons that they are. They fall in love with their partners despite the differences, and often accept those differences as a part of the unique qualities that shape them as individuals.

 

But other people are aggressive in encouraging change in their partners. They develop a mental image of the person they want to love, and become diligent about shaping and molding their partner into that person. Many fail to recognize that their actions may be detrimental to the relationship, and that they could be asking that person to change an important part of their personality.

People have different reasons for wanting to change the person they love. Some focus on encouraging the elimination of bad habits, such as smoking or the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages. They may suggest exercise or weight loss programs if they feel their partner could be healthier, or improved hygiene and housekeeping habits if those are areas of concern.

People sometimes want their partners to change because they have experienced change themselves. Those who have recently achieved educational goals may place higher expectations their mates. If one person has broadened their circle of friends or increased their social activities, then they may push for their partner to do the same.

Some couples go through changes together. They embrace growth as a couple, and often find that facing challenges together is easier than going through things alone. They will engage in new or different activities, such as committing themselves to church, or taking ballroom dance classes, and find that pursuing such change together helps them to grow closer together as a couple.

Change is not as easy for some as it is for others. People develop their own process for implementing change, but they must usually be motivated to do so. The greater the motivation, the more likely that change will take place, but the decision to take action is strictly in the hands of that individual.

The bottom line is that most people implement change in their lives on their own terms, and pushing them does more to push them away than lead towards the desired results. Gentle encouragement works better than a nagging, although a good shove might be necessary every now and then.