Why people cheat in relationships

Sharon spent two years observing as her husband's emotions drifted farther away. Like a developing cancer, she noticed the early warning signs. Late nights at the office became more frequent, as did the unavoidable business trips. When not at the office or traveling, he needed more time to unwind, more boys' nights out, more work related lunches and dinners, and basically, more time away from her.

He was a good father to their two boys when was around, always ready to play catch or toss the football. And he frequently brought her flowers and gifts back from his trips, in the beginning. Now, he just complains about he tired he is, and shows little interest in initiating sex, unlike the first four years of their marriage when he couldn't keep his hands off of her.

Soon she began noticing strange charges on the credit card bills, the scent of another woman's perfume on his clothes, and secretive "work related" calls that came at odd hours. She tried everything to regain his interest. Working out at the gym, sexy lingerie, candlelight dinners, but nothing seemed to work. It took a while for her to admit it to herself, but she was still unable to get him to confess that he was having an extramarital affair.

Then one day she met the nicest guy while working out. He was pleasant with a great personality, easy to talk to, and complimented her efforts in the gym. She found herself making it a point to get to the gym when she knew he would be there. She enjoyed his company, and his attention, and by the time he invited her out for coffee at a nearby Starbucks, she had already made up her mind that she was going to have an affair.

A Growing Trend in Extramarital Affairs

Sharon is not unusual. Infidelity is no longer just a man's dirty little secret. Women have now gained equal standing in their marriages, and are proving that it is no longer business as usual when it comes to extramarital affairs. Men have long been known to be less faithful in marriages than women, but women have quickly made up for lost time by exploring new emotional opportunities outside of their marriages.

Recent statistics indicate that more and more married women are having affairs. Some researchers believe that between 45 and 65 percent of married women have participated in some level of infidelity during some point in their marriages. The numbers are misguiding because fewer women admit to affairs than men, but it's no doubt that women's views about cheating have changed over the past 50 years.

Why Women Are Cheating

There is never a legitimate reason for married couples to be unfaithful in their relationships. But where men seem to commit adultery more out of available opportunity and curiosity, women tend to blame abuse, emotional abandonment, and believe it or not, revenge for their extramarital encounters.

In her book, "Undressing Infidelity: Why More Women Are Cheating", Diane Shader Smith interviewed 150 female adulterers to find out what made them abandon their marital vows to enter into relationships outside of their marriages. She found that the actual reasons for cheating were as varied as the women interviewed, but that most were actually looking for something that their marriages didn't provide.

Smith found that some women were in search of greater self esteem, some were in search of more passionate relationships, some women simply enjoyed the excitement of risk, while some women cheated because they became emotionally attached to men outside of their marriage. What is most interesting is that the women ranged from corporate executives, to a Midwestern school teacher, making it difficult to develop a preconceived idea about who might, or who might not cheat.

Who Are Women Cheating With?

Women appear to be more particular about who they cheat with than men. Most women feel that they have to develop a comfort level with a man before committing to him sexually. For women, infidelity is less likely to be about a one night stand. Women prefer instead to have an emotional encounter. But while some women cheat with men who have similar characteristics as their husbands, most women gravitate towards someone completely different.

For many women, cheating leads to the fulfillment of a fantasy. They seek out men who provide an escape from the reality of their day-to-day lives. Cheating allows exploration in areas that may be taboo in their relationships with their husbands, but perfectly allowable in their extramarital relationships. They explore sexual variety, spontaneity, intensity, and even risk in fulfilling the curiosity of their affairs.

But cheating is never the solution to marital problems. It causes more feelings of guilt and anxiety in women than it does in men, and though statistics show that women are less likely to be caught cheating, they are just as likely as men to admit an affair when confronted. Extramarital affairs always have repercussions, and the fallout can be greater for women than it is for men.

How to communicate with women

I've found that there is an art to communicating with women that few men understand. Men become complacent in maintaining active and interactive conversations only months after lingering on a woman's every word. Women, on the other hand, never forget that it was his initial interest in her every word that first gained her attention.
 
Communicating with women is different than communicating with men, but mostly because their interests are different. While women are satisfied just knowing the final score of the biggest game of the year, men like to know individual statistics and details. But when women want to explain every detail of a successful shopping experience, men only care about the cost.

Listening is still the key. Effective communication is not a matter of sharing interest in the same passions, but being passionate enough to care about what the other person shares. Women often complain that men stop listening. Active listening involves interaction and participation. Asking questions, repeating key points, eye contact, and even sharing opinions shows that issues important to her also matter to you.

Men interested in improving their level of communication with women should remember a few points.

1. Communicate with her as if it's a first date. Ask questions, and then listen to the answers. Be sincere in your evaluations or input, and speak to her as if you care about her feelings. A good conversation format to follow is to compliment, ask questions, listen to her responses, and then compliment again.

2. Think of a conversation with a woman like ballroom dancing. Women want a man to lead, without being demanding. Flow with the rhythm of the conversation. Maintain balance, both in objectivity and judgment. And staying centered, never leaning too far to the right or the left of her point of view. Remember, you're only there to compliment her. She's the center of attention.

3. Communicating with women takes greater patience and understanding. Not because they speak or hear things any differently than men, but because they are thorough and want a complete understanding of the subject matter. Women respond to emotional stimuli, interpreting pitch, tone, voice inflection, and even information in a different manner than most men.

There are also rules of engagement which should never be ignored throughout the communication process.

These are basic dos and don'ts that make interacting with women easier.

Do:


-Control the conversation, but not the woman. Women like for men to be in charge, but they do not like being told what to do.

-Suggest, but never imply. Women can take suggestions, but hate implications.

-Respect her opinion. Even if you disagree with her, she has the right to express what she feels.

-Compliment her. This was mentioned before, but it bears repeating. Flattery gets you everywhere.

Do not:

-Tell her she's wrong. A woman is never wrong unless she's says she is.

-Initiate an argument. It's a no-win battle.

-Read her the riot act. This initiates an argument.

-Speak down to her. She's on a pedestal. You have to look up to her.

Does age really matter in relationships?

Does age really matter in a relationship, or is age more of a factor when it comes to love and compatibility? The history of relationships reveals that age matters little in establishing male and female liaisons. Older men have long been romantically linked to younger women, and in some cultures, that tradition holds true to this day. But the topic of age has become more prominent over the past few years, with the biggest twist being that older women are now openly dating younger men, and younger men are becoming more attracted to the wiser and more established older woman.

Dirty Old Men and Gold diggers have existed since the accumulation of wealth created the perception of power for men, and a life potentially free from financial need for women. Now, many of those same women, after years of involvement with men who could not or did not satisfy them emotionally, have taken matters into their own hands. Armed with an equal level of power and social status, either attained or self made, older women now establish relationships on their terms with little regard for age.

Based on these current trends, age does not matter when it comes to two consenting adults making a conscious decision to be together, regardless of the reasons why. Even in relationships where both individuals have motives other than love, their presence in each other's lives serves whatever purposes that they've attached to them.

But age does matter in a relationship to some degree. Not the physical age which is counted in years and has little relevance to whether two people can be happy, but the emotional age, which either widens or lessens the gap in long term compatibility. Emotional age is a much better determinate of whether two individuals separated by years, have enough in common to enjoy each other, explore each other, and grow with each other.

Everyone has an idea of what they want in the person with whom they share a relationship, but the reality is that people often settle for far less than what they had in mind. Relationship decisions are now made as much for convenience and security, as they are for love and a fairy tale ending. With more than 50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce anyway, are people so wrong in making the decision to enter into relationships based on satisfying personal wants and needs?

The bottom line is that if two people like each other enough to enter into a relationship, regardless of any age differences, then few outside interferences will deter their decision. And the reality is that they have every right to do so, despite their reasons.

Who knows, they may just fall in love and live happily ever after.